Brassiere Rant

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(Yeah cool, okay, now that I’ve gotten your attention with a half-naked Megan Fox…)

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Have I mentioned how much I hate wearing bras? Like, really, who’s the brilliant fucker that sexualized the concept of nipples? First, we get one hell of an idealized woman figure, achieved mostly by wearing corsets and push-up bras to make ’em boobies look more erotic. Then the next century rolls along: it’s when you don’t wear them that you’re considered obscene!

It’s great that some people want to wear bras for their own personal reasons and all, but why can’t the opposite be true for others? Like, I don’t want to wear bras ’cause most are constricting, tight, harmful and just fucking uncomfortable. But of course, if I don’t wear bras in public, it’s taken as a bold statement. It’s an invitation for sexual advances. It’s daring, it’s something explicit.

Just fucking why? Does wearing a bra make anyone else think that there MIGHT be something other than boobs underneath them? We sure fooled society then.

And also this fact: when a strap is showing, some people make it a point to hiss secretively, ‘your strap is showing!’ [Insert dramatic gasp plus blushing and all that cartoon crap]. Well woopdee fucking do, you’ve discovered my secret! Oh no, someone has seen the strap and will therefore conclude that I wear bras and that I- god forbid! – have boobs.

Shit fucking niggity, what the hell is wrong with everyone? It’s like we’re raising a pack of horny wolves who will hump someone at the peek of an undergarment.

What will really prove my point though is when this post is actually read by dudes who don’t understand the discomfort this garment provides, and would then snicker like the average hormonal shitface in highschool about a girl not wanting to wear a bra. Oh, all the possible sexual innuendos I can throw her way, amirite? Let’s not exclude the few (or is it really just a few) dudettes who are quick to side with the patriarchy by joining in with the ridicule. As if they don’t know how uncomfortable it is. As if they truly buy the idea that being sexualized, being harassed, being called a slut, being held to impossibly high and destructive standards of uniform beauty is all their fault simply for being female and following the double-standard trends and expectations society has heaped upon them.

Yes I feel the yawn for the above paragraph. Ew, where are the bras? Talk about more bras, I came here for the boobies and the cynical humor.

Why, of course.

The last thing I want to do is disappoint and hurt you, I think I’m gonna buy ice cream before we get to the physical harm.

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